Taylor Swift can help you connect with your child
Yes, you read that right. Taylor Swift can help you connect with your child — if your child is into Taylor Swift, that is. So often, we miss opportunities to learn about our children and connect with them around what they care about. We don’t like their musical choices, their taste in clothes, the games they play, the movies they enjoy. Sometimes there are real reasons to dismiss or even to help them disengage from these things — such as when children develop screen or gaming addictions (scary but true) or use video game or social media platforms that aren’t totally safe or age-appropriate (even Roblox can be a dangerous place for kids). It is not only appropriate but necessary for parents to step in when our kids’ interests and habits are putting them in actual danger.
But often, instead of stepping in, we step out — because we just don’t get it. We don’t like the music or movie or sport or hobby they are into. And, when we step out, we miss a huge opportunity to get to know our kids better and to connect with them around the things they love.
The comedian Tig Notaro told a moving story about what her stepfather said to her after her mother’s funeral. In Tig’s words, her stepfather was “a very stoic person and wasn’t very supportive of my career, and I was a failure, dropout…he didn’t understand.” When they were driving away from the funeral, “he was so emotional. He was crying. I had never seen him cry before. And he said ‘And I’m realizing now that it’s not the child’s responsibility to teach the parent who they are. It’s the parent’s responsibility to learn who their child is. And I didn’t do that. And I’m so sorry.”
We miss out on having a relationship with our children when we reject what they care about. We don’t mean it as rejection, of course. But our children are constantly dropping breadcrumbs for us, showing us who they are in big and little ways. And it is our job to see those breadcrumbs for what they are — things that mean something to our kids. Evidence of who they are and who they are growing into being.
It is fine and makes perfect sense to not enjoy the things our kids enjoy in the same ways that they do. Aside from Bluey (which I could not recommend more highly), most of the things I watch with my children aren’t that interesting to me. What is interesting to me — more interesting than, perhaps, anything else in the world — is why my kids find these shows interesting. It is relatively easy to engage kids in conversation when you ask them about something they care about.
So take them up on the opportunity they are giving you (so often!). Going back to Taylor Swift — if your kids are into Taylor Swift, ask them:
-What do you like about her music?
-What is your favorite song?
-Why is that your favorite song?
-What do you like about her? (Also — is there anything you don’t like about her or anything you would do differently than she does?)
-Would you want to meet her in real life? (If yes: What would you say to her? If no: Why not?)
-Is she a role model for you? (You may need to explain what a role model is). If yes, why? If no, why not and who is one of your role models — and why?
Resist the urge to stick a lesson for them in there. When my children talk to me about Taylor Swift, I find myself trying to wedge in lessons about discipline, diligence, never giving up, and more. I want to emphasize how she knew what she wanted to do and kept practicing, kept working at it, never giving up even when people told her no or tore her down.
So…don’t do that. Take a breath and remind yourself that there will be plenty of time for you to offer your wisdom in the future. But this is not that time. This time is about exploring the conversation that evolves from the questions above. Maybe even more profound than that — this time is about offering your presence and true willingness to learn about your child. That presence and willingness are arguably the most important pieces of all.
Kids can tell when you’re not really present, not really paying attention, not really listening with curiosity but for an opening to drop your knowledge on them.
Try as hard as you can to play the role of student here. You are the student. Your child is the teacher. They are teaching US about THEM. After all, they are the experts on who they are. These precious conversations are where we catch the knowledge they drop on us.
After all, even though our kids are constantly showing us who they are, it is our responsibility as parents to truly see that those are lessons and to learn what they are teaching us. That takes patience, but most of all it takes love and curiosity. Something almost every parent I have ever met has in abundance.
Look what you made me do — learn something new about you.