Parenting tool: RAIN meditation

Stop trying to change things. It’s so easy to say, isn’t it? “Don’t try to change it.” “Let things just be what they are.” “Sit in the present.” They’re all different ways of saying: let it be what it is. But wow, when your child is having a meltdown or doing something that they are really not supposed to be doing, it’s hard to just say: I don’t have to control this right now. And yet, sometimes that’s exactly what we need to do.

Of course, I’m not talking about when children are in any immediate danger. When they start to run into the street, we don’t sit quietly and just accept the present — we grab them.

But what about when it’s not danger, necessarily — but discomfort? And not just theirs, but ours? What can we do when parenting gets really really hard and we don’t feel like we can sit in the discomfort any longer?

That’s when the RAIN meditation from Tara Brach can be incredibly supportive.

So much of our suffering in a situation comes from the stories we tell ourselves about the situation. “It’s never going to get better.” “I can’t handle this.” “I’m a terrible parent.” “They’re never going to be a functional adult if they act this way.” All these stories are where the suffering happens. And trying to STOP the experience by controlling our kids (in ways that are beyond our control, if we’re being honest) also expands the suffering.

Sometimes, what helps us through the most is to just stop and feel how hard it is to be in this experience. That’s the first step of RAIN.

R: Recognize what’s going on

Just notice that this is hard. Notice where you are feeling it in your body (a way to get you out of your head, your thoughts and your stories and into the present moment experience)

Next comes:

Allow the experience to be there, just as it is
Investigate with interest and care
Nurture with self-compassion

This could look like noticing that your chest is tight while your child is melting down. Noticing how unpleasant it feels in your body to hear them yelling — and perhaps also that you can’t stop it. Release the pull to stop anything and just be in that unpleasant moment. You don’t have to do or fix anything about it. Just feel — in your body — how hard it is. The more "body feeling” descriptions you can use, the better. My face feels flushed, my stomach feels twisted, my fists are clenched. Focus your attention on your bodily experience of this. Not only will it pull you into the present moment, but the bodily experiences are much more manageable than the worst outcome possible stories that we concoct in our minds.

Then inquire about what your body needs right now. As Tara Brach writes: “What most wants attention? How am I experiencing this in my body? What am I believing? What does this vulnerable place want from me? What does it most need?”

Then — offer yourself some compassion. This could look like putting your hand on your own heart — or wherever you are feeling this experience the most in your body — and saying, “I know this is hard. I see you. I love you.” You can say it to yourself or imagine someone else (real or imagined — even a pet) offering you the love, if it’s too hard to offer it directly to yourself.

You may be amazed at how differently your nervous system responds to this approach. It doesn’t take the pain away, but — with a little practice — it can make it easier to ride out the waves of our lives without getting caught in the current of all the stories we tell ourselves about those waves.