Is parenting supposed to be this hard?
In a word, no. It’s not. Parenting is not supposed to be this hard. And yet, in our culture, we are expected to be all the things to our little people: breadwinner, playmate, chef, advisor, educator (to name just a few). But without a village to support and guide us all — parenting becomes a deeply exhausting experience.
But there’s hope! With some shifts, we can move into a relationship with parenting — and with our kids — that allows a lot more grace and a lot more ease.
#1 It’s not you!
It is basically impossible to be the attuned, calm, present parent we all want to be while living within a culture that doesn’t give the support, space, peace, or prioritization required to do so. Not a huge surprise within a country that doesn’t guarantee any paid parental leave, but our expectations of ourselves have not shifted to adjust for the completely unsupported environment in which we live. We are all constantly working on our parenting and on our selves — but let’s do it with generosity and grace, instead of shame. So put that guilt away!
#2 We have too much stuff
Specifically, our kids have too much stuff — but we do too! Eliminate nonessential toys and other items that are not truly necessary and allow your kids to use more of their imaginations to play. It will reduce the mind-scattering clutter and allow them to develop in beautiful ways,
#3 Bring your kids into the fold
Have you ever had your kids watch a show or just play legos while you cook or do work around the house? (I certainly have!) Include them instead! Not only is this sweet time you get to spend together, but you are teaching them important life skills, including what it means to be part of a team. In this case, the team is your family. When parents do the work alone, we unwittingly teach our kids not only that their "jobs” in the family are just to play, but also that we don’t think of them as capable of contributing. Neither are true, and bringing them into the fold increases their capacity, their competence, and their sense of belonging. And it also shifts the relationship of constantly being the “entertainer” of your children (which is exhausting!) to being a partner with them — which is a much more relaxing experience. Bring infants along as you cook, clean, and do laundry. Invite toddlers to tear herbs, sweep, and stir. Allow them to learn by observing and then by doing, as opposed to tons of verbal instructions. Their work will be messy and imperfect — they’re just learning! But if we give them space and permission to do their jobs their way (and resist the urge to constantly correct them or “fix” their work by redoing it after they’re done), they will gain confidence and get the practice needed to eventually contribute in a way that genuinely lightens the load.
#4 Go outside
There is a reason we feel drawn to nature. We are a part of nature, and living so separated from the outside world is not how we are wired to live. Not convinced we need nature? Even in the medical world, studies have shown that people recover from surgery faster in hospital rooms with windows. And people who are admitted for psychiatric reasons have shorter hospital stays if their room has a window. There are countless other studies that show how beneficial it is for humans to be in nature, and the term “nature deficit disorder” highlights how deeply we need to be outside. Consider a family walk in the evening to connect with your favorite humans and your favorite places.
#5 Get quiet
Start recognizing the effect constant stimulation has on our nervous systems. We are almost endlessly exposed to noise, to screens, to light, to loud. See what happens when you take some time for QUIET. Whether it’s on car rides, in the evenings, or on weekend mornings, notice the effect being in quiet — and in nighttime darkness — has on your and your family’s nervous systems. In most cases, it’s astounding.
#6 Edit your life
Stop doing so much. Figure out what activities are the most essential and do those. Be intentional about it. You don’t need to go to every birthday party or sign your kids up for every activity, despite what our cultural messaging often conveys. Your kids will get so much more from your actual presence, attention, and attunement than any class could ever offer them. And that goes for you, too. Spend time with the people who nourish you (including your kids!), with practices that cultivate presence, joy, and gratitude. You will be amazed at how many things you can drop from your life that you thought were essential — but were just creating clutter.
#7 Find support
In addition to paring life down to its most essential activities, tap into support. Whether it’s a nannyshare, a mealtrain group, a lovely neighbor who loves hanging with your kids — or even a gym with childcare — find ways to lighten your load and expand your village. It may take some creativity, and it will certainly take some time, thought, and intentionality — but it can and will make a huge difference.
Photo by Gustavo Fring