Radical self-love, Part 2: for kids too!
My previous post was a radical self-love primer — the whats and whys of radical self-love. Now for the HOW. How do we cultivate radical self love for ourselves and for our children? Here are a few ways to start.
For even more, read Sonya Renee Taylor’s brilliant book, The Body is Not An Apology as well as her book for girls going through puberty, called Celebrate Your Body.
1.NO BODY TALK
Do not comment on others’ bodies or on your own body — except to say how much you absolutely love your body and love getting to have a body. Telling your child (and your self), “Isn’t it amazing to have a body?! Look at all we get to experience because we have bodies!” can be a powerful reframe in a world where our bodies get short-changed as only functional or aesthetic. Bodies are aesthetic — they are (all!) beautiful! And yet, how our bodies look is one of the least amazing things about them. Our bodies are how we connect to the world and to the present moment. They are how we hug our friends, how we sing at concerts, how we eat our favorite foods, how we climb mountains, score goals, smell the ocean, and hear waves crashing. Our bodies are how we live our lives. The more we focus on that, the more the idea that we should force our bodies to fit a certain, culturally prescribed form (i.e., body type) seems ridiculous. Our bodies are to be celebrated and loved and cared for as they are. Divest from the fat-phobia and ableism that demand that only certain body types be regarded as beautiful, valuable, and healthy. Health is possible at almost ANY weight and with any body type. The sooner we step into full understanding of this, the sooner we are free to value all bodies — including our own. Taylor shares a Glenn Marla quote in her book that sums it up beautifully: “There is no wrong way to have a body.”
2. NO COMPARISONS
It is downright silly to compare body types, appearances, height, athletic ability, intelligence — anything! Comparing ourselves is pointless and ultimately harmful. Since my job is to be the best me, and your job is to be the best you. I can’t be you, and you can’t be me — we’re not supposed to be the same. And yet — we continuously compare ourselves not just to people in our actual lives, but also to people on the internet. Whose lives we “know” through an extremely distorted lens, since what we are shown is highly edited and filtered. We may get a momentary boost from feeling “better than” someone else, but ultimately it feels pretty awful to devalue another human being. Especially when that value system is based on a hierarchy designed to keep only certain people in power. And especially when the person we turn that judgment on the most is our selves. Remember, this hierarchy that rates people’s value based on their appearance, body shape, bank account, etc only has power if you believe in that rating system! Divest from a worldview that assigns value only to certain people — and invest in one that values all people. Start with yourself! Revel in all you are and never, ever compare yourself (or your kids!) to anyone else. Modeling that behavior is a powerful way to guide our children to a place of genuine self-love.
3. QUIT SOCIAL MEDIA
It may sound hard or even impossible, but, in almost all cases, quitting social media will absolutely improve our quality of life. Since one of the places we acquire the most self-hate is through the media we consume. I use the word “consume” intentionally, because it truly gets in and integrates into our psyches. Watching endless tiktok videos about skincare and weight loss and exercise is a powerful way to feel inadequate. Especially since making you feel inadequate is the exact goal of these videos. Remember, most social media is geared towards getting us to buy things by convincing us that we are not enough — and then promising that their product will fix the not enoughness they just convinced us that we have. Pull your energy back from that interaction. You have better things to do and a better life to live — and much better ways to use your precious energy.
4. CONSUME MEDIA CREATED BY A DIVERSE GROUP OF FOLKS
Choose podcasts, books, articles, and shows, etc. created by people who live in bodies that experience life very differently than you do. Do you know what it’s like to move through the world in a very fat body? A differently abled body? A body with skin of a different color? A queer body? A trans body? Learning more about what it is like to walk in another’s shoes creates more empathy and a more expansive view of who “belongs.” Remember, you don’t have to understand (or agree!) — all you have to do is be willing to witness and learn. Share stories you think are powerful (and age-appropriate) with your kids — talk about it together.
6. DELIGHT IN YOUR KIDS
Talk to your kids in a straightforward and honest way about all of the above. About the imaginary hierarchy that was created and how you — and they — can create something better. Celebrate and delight in them as often as you can. Light up when they walk into a room. Tell them how happy you are to see them. Admittedly, this works better the younger your kids are when you start, but giving your kids truly unconditional love and expressions of that love is a powerful way to support their own radical self-love. Move away from the concept that parents are engineers and start embracing the idea that we are gardeners. Our job isn’t to make a lily into a palm tree, but to give that lily the most nourishing environment for it to bloom into its healthiest, best self. One of the first places many of us experience self doubt is when our parents reject parts of us. This rejection often comes from very well-meaning parents who unwittingly diminish us by trying to shape us into the kinds of people the world seems to value more than others. Don’t be a disciple of that worldview by trying to mold your child according to that hierarchy of value. Instead, be a person — and a parent — who is actively building a world where we are all valued. The first step is to fully value our selves, as we are. And the next step is to not only value, but delight in our kids. As they are.
Since we are the world. And, as we come together with a mindset and intention to value every human being, we create a world that has the capacity to value every body in it.
Photo by Daria Obymaha