What to say to new (and all) parents
I can’t even count the times that I was with my children when they were tiny — and I was a MESS — and someone said, “Cherish these moments. They go by so fast.” Yeah, it didn’t really land.
Well, that’s not totally fair. Occasionally it landed, and I was able to have a deepened appreciation for the moment. But that was exceedingly rare. Much more often, my internal response was more along the lines of, “THIS ISN’T GOING BY FAST AT ALL." Usually, the comment left me feeling unseen, since it was typically part of a moment of struggle for me. And the comment was a reminder that, instead of witnessing my actual experience, that person was a stranger reminiscing about their own experiences — and not seeing me at all.
So what does feel good to hear as a new parent? It’s actually pretty simple:
“You are doing an amazing job.”
“Your kids are so lucky to have such a caring parent.”
“You are such a wonderful parent.”
Those phrases land. Those phrases help you absorb the goodness of a wonderful moment and the impermanence of a difficult one.
I say this because someone said that last one to me the other day. My children are older now, but one of them is four years old, and that child is a no-rules kind of kid. The struggle is real.
A woman sitting next to us witnessed our interaction and said, “You are a wonderful mom.” And it felt so good. Not only was I somehow managing to tap into some serious equanimity and patience that day (so it was very nice to be seen in that moment, as opposed to the many other not-so-patient ones). But also, whatever type of moment it was — I was being witnessed.
Can you still say that if you see a parent losing their cool? Yes! It’s maybe even more important to say it then. Since, guess what? Even when your patience has run out, and you are not doing the thing you wish you had the fortitude to do…you are still a wonderful parent. You are still doing your best, and that is an amazing thing to offer your children and the world.
But there is another gem that has helped me feel seen and supported on the not-so-great days:
“I get it, mama. We’ve all been there. You’re doing amazing.”
I hope someone sees you in your moments of difficulty and in your moments of connection — and offers you the appreciation you always deserve. And I hope you are able to witness others and give them the kindness of connecting with their humanity and struggle and seeing them for the amazing parents and people they always are.
Photo by Barbara Olsen