How to support new parents
What usually happens after a new baby is born?
As soon as new parents get home — and sometimes, even when they are still in the hospital —well-meaning loved ones text, call, and email, “When can we come see the BABY?!” Unfortunately, that is not what most new parents need in the first weeks after their baby is born.
Of course, new babies are exciting. They are cute and soft and sweet and magical. But clamoring to see the newest addition is usually not supportive to most new mothers and families. Since most new parents do not need you to come and meet and hold the baby. Holding the baby is what they need to be doing. In fact, most of the time, the best way to support new parents is to do all the other things that continue to need to get done in order to allow them to bond and settle in with their new little one.
So what can you do?
Cook, wash dishes, do laundry, clean the house, buy groceries, go to the drugstore, walk the dog, water the plants, mow the lawn. The list is almost endless. You can organize a meal train to involve others who may not know how they can help, which can be a great way for loved ones who live out of town to provide some support. You can chip in (or organize for multiple people to contribute) to pay for a housekeeper or a cook -- or even a night nurse, postpartum doula or a postpartum consultant. If there are older siblings -- you can spend time with them, take them to school, pack their lunches, make them dinner, take them to soccer practice, or enjoy some special one-on-one time with them. There are SO. MANY. THINGS. you can do to be supportive. Often our circle of loved ones is so excited about the new baby’s arrival that meeting this amazing human being becomes the focus instead of supporting the new parents, who are likely in great need of assistance. So, instead of getting offers to help with all the things they need, new parents are inundated with (very well-meaning!) people who just want to come and see the baby.
To be clear, babies are almost inconceivably special and adorable, so it makes perfect sense to want to meet and hold them! And there IS a completely appropriate time for those visits, which is after the first few weeks after the baby is born. So, if you know that you are wanting a baby fix more than you are capable of giving help and support, that’s ok -- just hold off visiting until the new parents get their bearings.
But if you are able to provide the kind of support mentioned above -- please do it! Often, new parents are so discombobulated that they don’t even know what they need. Make a few general suggestions (we all need to eat, for example, so bringing food by with leftovers to spare works for almost everyone) and also ideas based on their own unique lifestyles (do they have pets? Plants? Other kids?).
And often, it works best for you to support them without any expectation of actually interacting with them. So, plan to drop food off on the porch or quietly clean up the kitchen or wash and fold a couple loads of laundry without seeing the parents or the baby. Ask them to let you know if they want some company and please don’t take it personally if they don’t. New parents -- and especially new moms and birthing parents -- have just gone through an intense physical and emotional experience. And they are always sleep deprived and adjusting to a totally new normal.
If they do want company, let them take the lead. And be the person who asks about them. Be the person who lets them talk, who validates and listens to what they are saying. ASK HOW THEY ARE DOING. Not the baby, but that person in front of you. You would be amazed to know how forgotten and unseen many new moms feel. They have just done an incredible feat: growing and birthing a human being -- and yet the only thing most people want to talk to them about is their new baby. Look at her and really see her.
The early days of motherhood can be so lonely, but having someone who supports and sees you can be the difference between feeling completely alone and knowing that you are still seen, significant, and cared for by your loved ones.