Real talk about postpartum
Early parenthood is hard. Everyone knows that. But no one really understands how hard until they’re already in it. And even then we usually don’t understand why it’s hard, just that it is so much harder than we thought it would be. Already lonely but feeling disconnected and antisocial, tired but unable to sleep, overwhelmed by the endless 24 hour cycle of tasks and the insane amount of things we have to bring EVERYWHERE. Diapers, changing pads, extra clothes, toys, burp cloths, wipes are just the beginning of the list. And then there’s the carseat that somehow weighs 200 pounds and is building “mommy muscles” but throwing us totally out of alignment. There’s the suddenly being unseen after nine months of being celebrated as a beautiful pregnant goddess. People ask only about the baby. People identify us only as someone’s mom instead of someone in our own right. There is the pain and the healing and a whole new body that is often softer and heavier than before. Sometimes our bodies are unrecognizable. There is the fatigue and the fundamentally changed dynamic in our relationship. There is a whole new attitude towards sex, no longer geared so much towards penetration (no thank you, someone just CAME OUT OF THERE) – needs that are fulfilled much more by heart connection than by touch. Since so often we are touched out. Massage can feel divine, but any more than that is often too much and not what we want. A long conversation with eye contact where we feel heard is suddenly more fulfilling than the most amazing sex once was.
THINGS CHANGE. Things change profoundly. They aren’t this way forever, but there is so much we can learn from and take forward with us that has the potential to enrich our lives, our selves, our parenting, and our intimate relationships forever.
Listen to your body. Listen to what it is telling you it wants and doesn’t want. Don’t judge. Don’t say you “should” or “shouldn’t” feel this way or that you “should” or “shouldn’t” want this. Much like we say with meditation, just observe. Ask your partner to observe with you and honor what you are both learning. It is a whole different ballgame now; transformation has occurred and continues to unfold. You will be rewarded for hanging in there, for listening and honoring instead of forcing, for observing without judgment.
This guidance applies to your partner as well, as they have their own needs and responses that also need to be seen and observed. They can observe their own loneliness, frustration or sadness without judging it and without assuming that something is wrong now, so reverting to the old ways will fix it. (Hint: It won’t). The psychotherapist, Laura Gutman, talks about the shifting from a masculine to feminine world after childbirth, and there is a profound opportunity after the birth of our children to merge the masculine and feminine energies. We spend essentially our whole lives dwelling in the masculine. We live in a world shaped and geared towards the masculine. It is characterized by a singular mindset; it is direct and goal oriented. In fact, even sex, when it is primarily focused on penetration and orgasm, is rooted in the masculine, for most of our lives. Then childbirth happens, and we are immersed in the feminine. It feels strange and slow and wrong for so many people, which makes sense, since we have lived in the masculine for as long as we can remember. But if you make space and welcome the feminine (it’s there whether you like it or not, so you might as well embrace it and listen) your life can be changed profoundly and beautifully.
Whether or not you are present or awakened to it while it’s happening, the postpartum period will change your life forever, and you have the power to decide whether these changes will be conscious and intentional or passive and random. With the right support and guidance, you can be an active participant in this wild ride. You will get to witness and integrate its teachings, so that every aspect of your life is richer for it. It is truly worth the hard work it takes to get to the other side.
And, as the saying goes – we can do hard things.